I Blame Myself..........

I can’t stop thinking about how much you suffered and my inability to Save you. A large part of my grieving is self blame. The grief is a bottomless pit. I’m helpless and devastated. I believed I could protect you from the depression, the anguish, the anxiety, the demons, the addiction. I believed my love was enough to save you. The reality is that I had no control! I was not able to protect you from your lifetime of struggle. It was hard watching you suffer and not being able to do anything to alleviate your pain. If only had I done.........

This story starts at the END of the journey. A beautiful Saturday sunny morning. I wished all the girls Khushali Mubarak. An Ismaili festival. All the kids wished me back but you. You were always the first to wish me. I was about to come and check up on you but remembered you wanted to sleep in. I headed downstairs.

Dad was getting anxious. He wanted to show you his new business logo. He wanted your opinion on which design to use. I started to get irate. Really 1pm and you still hadn’t come down. I was agitated that you hadn’t answered either mine nor dads text. I told myself - I won‘t go up. She’s going to do the usual - get up, get dressed, say a quick hi, quick hug, and leave the house not to be seen till the wee hours in the morning. 1:40pm - I get up from the couch after finishing my 2nd cup of tea. I was on my way out. Almost at the garage door when I heard a shrilling scream....