August 2019 - After the 2nd overdose
Lilly: "Mum, you're upset"
Me: "No Lilly ,i'm not upset"
Lilly: "Mum, you're angry"
Me: "No Lilly, i'm not angry"
Lilly: "Mum, I'm a disappointment"
Me: "No Lilly, you'll never be a disappointment"
Lilly: "Do you still love me"
Me: "Lilly, I will always love you - no matter what"
Lilly: "I love you"
Me: "I know Lalla, but why can't YOU love YOU"
The above video clip was taken in December 2018. Lilly was over a year sober. I watch this a few times everyday. Lilly would always play this song for me. Somehow, I feel that she left me this to remind me that she'll always love me.....
June 11th marked 11 months without Lilly. Somehow, I'm still breathing, I'm still standing, and life is moving on. A big part of me is with Lilly and I will never be the same. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think of her, love her, and miss her. Sharing our tragedy and Lilly's story has benefited many in different ways. Lilly is still making a difference in this world without being physically present.
Yesterday I was going through Lilly's phone and I found the following text that she had sent to her sponsor:
"But how do I love myself...."
Lilly lacked self love. She had low self esteem. She needed constant attention, affection and affirmation. She was insecure and was a people pleaser. Lilly wanted everyone to love and accept her. Any form of rejection would have her spiral into a dark hole.
What lack of self love looks like:
Feel overwhelmed and stressed out: (weak self-care and self-worth)
Get stuck in unhealthy or unhappy relationships: (weak self-honor, self -respect, self-honesty and self trust)
Have no time for fun or feel guilty when not working or doing something productive: (weak self-pleasure and self-worth)
Play small, stay stuck, don't live your full potential, doubt yourself: (weak self-empowerment and self-expression)
Compare yourself, judge yourself, get critical of yourself: (weak self acceptance and self compassion)
Hate on your body, call yourself fat, obsess about your body: (weak self acceptance)
Settle in your work and relationships: (lack of self-esteem, self-empowerment self-worth)
Get anxious, let fear drive your choices, obsess about things in your mind: (weak self trust and self empowerment.)
Make choices that you regret later, or that put you in situations in which you are giving too much, or your boundaries aren't honored: (weak self-trust, self-care, self worth)
Are not sure who you are, what you want, and just surf through life or follow the path others have laid out for you: (weak self-empowerment, self-awareness, self-expression)
Feel unlovable, unloved, unworthy, like a fraud, and inferior (weak self-worth and self-honor and self esteem)
Put pressure on yourself to do more be more have more instead of celebrating what you've done (weak self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-pleasure, self-care and self-worth)
When you focus on self-love you get to the ROOT of the situation, which exists inside of you, instead of just treating the symptoms on the outside. You can begin to see the "how" you can start making changes on the inside that will ultimately create the shifts you desire in your relationships, health (mental, emotional, physical), and happiness.
For my 40th birthday, Simmi (then 8) orchestrated a treasure hunt for me. I had to solve a serious of clues to find my gifts. The last clue was 'love yourself'. This clue led me to my bed-side table where I kept a small book of gratitude quotes by Louise Hay. She had made me a 'gratitude' gift box. Everyday I had to write something I was grateful for or something that I loved about myself and put it in the box. We would open the box every Sunday and read what I had written for the week.
Baby steps to learning to love yourself:
Make a self-love jar. ...
Listen to music that makes you feel empowered. ...
Take responsibility for your life and yourself. ...
Accept that you will have bad days. ...
Focus on the positive. ...
Learn to put yourself first. ...
Don't let comparison steal your joy. ...
Don't be afraid to say yes
Don't be afraid to say no
Learning to love yourself is a lifetime journey. Loving yourself helps you to realise your qualities, both bad and good, and eases feelings of guilt and unhappiness. When you start to accept who you are, you set yourself up for improvement. When you love yourself, you can set healthy boundaries and make healthy choices. Loving yourself means being in control of your life, which will leave you feeling empowered and confident.
If only Lilly could have learnt to love herself......