Simmi: “So mum…. Are you going to throw me a grad party”
Me: “I didn’t think of it”
Simmi: “Well it’s my last year with all my friends. I’m going to college, I’m graduating. Isn’t this exciting.”
I look down…So many thoughts, so many feelings. Breathe - you can’t break down, Not now
Simmi: ”So can I”
Me: “Ok - you can have a couple of friends come over”
Simmi: “I mean, I want a proper ‘Grad Party’
Me: “You mean, the whole nine yards”
Me: ”Let me think about it”
How can I throw a celebration when I’m Grieving. How can I? What about Lilly…Time has not healed any of my wounds…I don’t think I’ll ever stop mourning the loss…
Time has stopped for me. I’m still in 2020.
While the rest of the world continues, my world has changed. Everything has ended. I’m going through the motions but my heart and mind are elsewhere. Yes I know I have three other children that I love dearly, but I don’t know how to stop drowning in the depths of grief. The period of light and joy before Lalla’s death has turned into a period of darkness and sadness.
I can’t bring myself to plan a future of new joy, new hope and new meaning. I’m not there yet!
Just thinking of a ‘celebration‘ - I’m spiralling. How can we throw Simmi a grad party. How is that respecting Lilly? How is that keeping her memory alive? The guilt is already staring to seep into my heart, mind, and body. Every-time my mind moves to something other than grief I get overwhelmed. I keep asking myself “What gives me the right to enjoy life? What gives me the right to celebrate when all I did is fail Lalla?”. Moving on, means forgetting Lalla. I keep hearing, “Time heals all wounds.” Yet, there are moments when time opens new wounds or unearths new pain. Time doesn’t take the pain away.
Time has stopped for me Not the girls. The girls are trying to get back into a routine. Melt-downs are their ‘new normal’. Rembering Lilly at any given moment has become second nature. “It’ s a Lilly day, Lilly would have done this, Lalla was never afraid, Didi loved this, Didi would have loved this song, this is what Didi would say”. Lilly is included in everything. They are also angry and grieving the loss of their sister. BUT they need to learn to keep Lilly’s memory alive whilst moving on. They have their whole life ahead of them. Easy advice to give but a hard pill to swallow.
Lilly loves Simmi. She loved her while she was here and I believe she loves and protects Simmi from wherever she is. Lilly would have wanted Simmi to have everything she had. She would have wanted Simmi to have a grad party. She would have excitedly planned the whole celebration. We’ve always treated the girls equally then how can I let my feelings get in the way of Simmi’s celebration? Lilly was going to do Simmi’s prom makeup, Lilly was going to make everything special. This is not about Me, is about giving Simmi love, support, and happiness. It’s about celebrating a milestone. It’s about celebrating Simmi’s New Beginnings.
A few days later…..
Me: ”Ok Simmi, we’ll throw you a grad party”