Lilly - What I wouldn’t do to talk to you one more time, hear your voice one more time, hug you to my heart's content, or just chill with you one more time...
If you’re my age - you probably fell in love with Patrick Swayze in ‘Ghost’. If he could contact with his loved one through a medium then why couldn’t I? I was so desperate to hear Lilly and feel Lilly, thus started the oracle abuse.
What’s Oracle Abuse? It’s when you desperately seek mediums, psychics, tarot card readers, and spiritual ‘gurus’ to get a message from your departed loved one. I was emotionally charged and wanted answers. My husband and kids just stood on the sidelines unconditionally loving and supporting every manic idea I came up with. I was on a mission to find my own Oda Mae Brown (Whoopi Goldberg’s character as a psychic medium in the movie ‘Ghost‘).
Lilly had departed from her humanly body and was on her other journey. I knew she was at a higher frequency and I was at a lower frequency. My husband did not want to disturb her journey in any way. I wanted to crash the ‘party’ and contact her!
Amazon Prime became my best friend. I started ordering books on past life regression, between life regression, near-death experiences, how to contact a loved one, awakening your spiritual self. I was reading like crazy, desperately seeking answers.
I became crazed about knowing everything about the soul and its journey. I was looking for signs at the expense of making rational choices. What should have been a sacred dialog with the Divine became a shadowy, destructive force of oracle abuse.
I started making appointments with famous television mediums, psychics, spiritual healers, authors. Anyone who would give me an appointment. Anyone who gave me hope of contacting the child I had lost. I’ve lost count of how many times my family heard me say “I have an appointment with Lilly today”. My husband would hug me tightly without rendering any judgement. I was seeking the same answers with each appointment. Was Lilly okay? I knew that she had physically left her body, but was her soul in a good place? Was she at peace? Why did she choose this lifetime? Did she know I love her? Was there a final message?
I found subtle signs in everything. Random power outages, feathers turning up in unusual places, pennies, dimes. Birds, butterflies, deer, and moths crossing my path in unusual ways. Rainbows out of nowhere. Our car alarms going off randomly. I held onto any sign that made me feel that Lilly was hearing me and connecting with me.
2016 - Lilly’s Diagnosis
Me: “Why Lilly?
Lilly‘s Psychiatrist: ”Why not Lilly?
Me: “IT’S NOT FAIR!”
Lilly’s Psychiatrist: (I’m paraphrasing). Lilly chose these lessons. Imagine, before we came to this earth we all met in a ‘Cosmic Cafe’. We planned out our parents, siblings, loved ones, who we would meet, what lessons we will learn, how we will affect others. Lilly planned to skip several lifetimes and said: I’ll take Mental Illness and Addiction. I want you to be my mother because you’ll support and fight for me. You will also need to learn hard lessons like being non judgemental, speaking your truth, standing for what you believe in, learning to see love in everything. I’ll teach them to you.
At the time, the ‘Cosmic Cafe’ felt mysterious and exotic. Now, I was sick to my stomach. Why would I choose a lifetime where I lose a child? Why would my child choose a lifetime of Mental Illness and Addiction? Why the suffering? Why couldn’t life just be simple?
God threw Mental Illness and Addiction on my plate. I learned about it, supported Lilly, and we survived. Next, God threw multiple overdoses on my plate. We got through it. It can’t get worse than this, I thought. I was wrong! He took her away! Why couldn’t God just bring my Lilly back and make everything okay like he did in the ‘Book of Job’ (Book in the bible on human suffering)?
What I learnt through the books, psychics, mediums, & astrologers:
I was not going to find my Oda Mae Brown (this was real life, not Hollywood)
Lilly had completed her soul’s purpose for this lifetime
Lilly loved us and would always be around us
Lilly was surrounded by light, unconditional love, and peace
I realized I wasn’t really looking for Lilly. Lilly had moved on. I was left behind drowning in grief. I was looking for a lifeline. I was looking for reassurance that everything would be okay. I was just looking for a quick fix for life to go back to ‘normal’. There was no quick fix. I had to go through this painful journey. These appointments served as an outlet for a neutral party to hear and validate my grief, sadness, and pain.
I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. It was time to stop this madness, breathe, and listen to my inner guidance. I took several steps back. I called a Waezeen (Ismaili scholar that shares wisdom through lectures). He advised me to read Hazar Imam’s Golden Jubilee Firmans (The Aga Khan’s guidance). He told me to take solace in knowing that Lilly was at eternal peace. There are multiple Firmans where Hazar Imam gives his blessings to the Ruhani Murids (departed souls) and blesses that their souls may rest in Eternal Peace. Hazar Imam, emphasizes the phrase ‘Eternal Peace’ multiple times.
During this phase, a loved one randomly reached out to me and told me to meditate and continue with yoga. If you’re reading this - I want you to know that your text came as divine guidance at the time I needed it most. I started meditating again. Meditation can be as simple as sitting or lying down comfortably and relaxing. Take nice slow breaths, breathing in pure love of the universe, and breathing out any tension in your body. I was finally able to still the chatter and let my mind be still.
Physically, I miss Lilly’s presence. I desperately crave for her to walk in the front door and start her ranting. I want to cook her her favourite meal. My heart feels like it has been ripped open and the pit in my stomach has not gone away. I view her video we made just to hear her say: “letting you guys know that it wasn’t your fault”. I go on her snap chat account just to hear her laugh and see her eyes light up when she smiles. I know that Lilly is at peace. I no longer need to go on an Oracle hunt to get reassurance. I know that Lilly will always love, protect, and guide me. I just have to close my eyes and feel the love to connect with her.