Forever 20...

Happy Birthday My Lilly Lum. Oh Lalla... Life has not been the same without you. You were always the hardest daughter to shop for. It had to be something from the heart, something that was special, and had meaning. On this birthday, your gift is going to be what you loved doing the most - helping others. While you celebrate with the angels up above, we’ll be celebrating down on earth by giving back to others.

Thank you for the precious 20 years. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. I always told you, you were perfect just as you are! My prayer for you on this birthday is that may you be in eternal peace, may others benefit from your struggles, and may you continue to illuminate the lives of many. Ameen.

Last year, was a hard birthday for Lilly. She was ousted from her rehab group for relapsing and we had enrolled her in a new rehab program. She felt isolated and alone. No one from her previous group reached out to wish her. There was absolutely nothing the five of us could do to get her out of her depression. And believe me when I say we tried. Lilly was craving LOVE from others. She knew she would always have us. It was the outside world that she needed validation, acceptance, and love from.

I would like to share a poem that Lilly wrote on November 4, 2019:

I felt my chin and lower lip quiver and I knew in that moment, I would not have the ability to hold back the tears that were yet to come.  I felt one drop down my cheek and then another. And out of no where, tears came spilling down my face. I sat there crying with every muscle I had in my body. Unable to speak, unable to breathe, the weight in my chest locked in my throat and I fell to the floor, sobbing. 

I was looking at my ceiling crying and thinking to myself, 

Why do I feel so alone?

Why have I been lost for so long?

What is it my heart and soul are looking for?

Why do I have no one? Why do I only have these 4 walls to listen to the pain and sorrow my thoughts carry?

I feel raw inside. I have nothing left to offer the world.  I’m exhausted. Not just physically

But spiritually

Mentally

Emotionally

I realized that I have given away pieces of myself 

Pieces I could never get back

I sat there thinking of all the souls that carried around the most innocent parts to me

The parts that made me, ME

I asked myself, why? Why did you give away such sacred things?

Because I wanted to feel loved

I wanted to feel accepted 

To feel wanted

To feel needed

and theres the problem

I give, and give, and give, and I give

I give, but I do not receive

I give myself away in all situations to feel the one thing I crave

LOVE 

And I gave

I gave my all

I gave everything I had 

To everyone I knew

And now I’m nothing 

I’m no one but someone you want me to be 

I have no pieces to myself that I can call mine That make me, ME

Now I am you

And I am you 

And I am who you want me to be 

My soul has no more energy left to it 

I have given it all away 

And now I’m left with an empty carcass 

It took me a minute to realize why I feel so hollow 

Its because I am

I have no life to me anymore 

But wait! 

How can one be ONE with no life?

Let me tell you how

It’s a mask 

A facade 

A show I put on for who ever asks 

Tell me what you want 

Tell me who you want 

Tell me what you need 

And me?

I will become that

There is no “me” anymore 

There are versions of me 

The versions you all make 

The empty vessel left of me

Is now a puppet 

And I? 

I am the marionettes of the puppet 

That once was me

And now is the versions of Lilly you know and see

I am sorry what I had to offer is not what you wanted

I am sorry who I am was not what you had in mind 

I am sorry me, was not good enough

By Lilly Puri

P.S. Papa says he loves you and misses you. Happy Birthday Kiddo!