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Nine Months Later....

Nine Months Later - The wounds are still raw and deep. I long to hold you, hug you, love you, fight with you. I keep rewatching your videos, your snap chat pictures, anything that has you in it. I try to make sense of all that has happened. I keep hearing - She’s in a better place, you can’t change destiny, she was only meant to be here for 20 years... I want to fight it! My heart can not, will not accept it! I feel incomplete without you!

Nine Months Later - here we are, still living in disbelief at times, but still living nonetheless. Still moving forward and still loving you as fiercely as when you were here. Still carrying your memory, sharing your life and legacy into each day, still missing you. And those are things we will always do – always with a heart that isn’t quite whole.

Nine Months Later - I am NOT at the point to appreciate you for coming into my life to love and to miss. I selfishly want you physically with me! I want to walk into your room and find you snuggled in bed. I want to receive a text from you at midnight asking me to make food for you. I want to see your car in the driveway. I just want you....

Nine Months Later - I am angry. I’m questioning a ‘God’ that would bring a child into this world only to give them a debilitating disease and addiction that not many understand. Not many want to understand. I’m questioning Why You and Why Not Me? I would have gladly traded places.

Nine Months Later - I am starting to see that my grief is not linear but circular. A circle has no end. My grief encircles my life, and you are at the center. And no matter how many months go by, you will always be at the center of my life. I live in unbearable heartache.

Nine Months Later - I still whisper your name. I come in your room and light a candle and say a prayer. Hoping that you can hear me and you can feel my love for you. I take your favorite clothes and hug them, hoping to catch the scent of you. I listen to the songs you liked, read the passages you loved, to understand you better, and keep your memory alive.

Nine Months Later - I can feel the grief inside of me at every single moment. I am understanding that grief is the other side of love. My love for you will always be endless, so too will be the grief. The void I feel gets larger every day.

Nine Months Later....

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