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Holding onto 2020....

Lilly’s final ceremony.....

The whole world is looking forward to starting a New Year. A fresh start, a reset, and an opportunity for renewal. For me, this has been a very difficult day. The thought of a New Year has brought on a tidal wave of emotions. The idea of starting over in the New Year is overwhelming.

New Year’s simply looks different this year. I’m stuck in 2020 in the months that I had Lilly. Starting 2021 without her is something I am dreading to do. As the countdown begins, I’m feeling more alone and broken than I ever have. While friends and loved ones carry on celebrating and making resolutions to embrace the year ahead, I’m holding on to the times when we were a family of six.

I am not looking forward to the clock striking 12. The intense pain I have felt today is something I had not expected. As the hands of the clock began to move forward, I am realizing that I am entering a year in which she will physically not be a part of. All I feel is searing grief. I honestly don’t know how I am going to get through an entire lifetime without my Lilly Lum.

I will never stop wishing I had more time with Lilly. The passage of moving forward in time is terrifying. Time will not heal this trauma because the source of the trauma is immense love. That love is something that I am trying to cling onto as closely as possible.

As it is, I’m finding it hard to live each day as it comes. It’s even more daunting to face a whole new year. I am afraid of what the new year might bring. I worry whether or not I can handle any more challenges. My current state of emptiness and loneliness is making me reluctant to start a New Year.

It’s bad enough to wake up in the morning not sure what I’ll do with the day; what will I do with a whole year? I am comfortable in the past, where I feel whole, safe, and good. I fear that the New Year will not hold anything different for me and my family. I long for Lilly and the precious past we shared. I keep thinking of life before her passing and wish we were back there.

While 2021 brings hope and joy to others around me, The words ‘Happy New Year’ means nothing to me. How am I supposed to be ‘Happy’ without Lilly in the ‘New Year’. The question for me is not whether, but how grief will show up in the New Year.

While the New Year approaches, I realize that life presses on whether I like it or not. Time will not stand still for me just because I’m grieving. I’m struggling with a real sense of anxiety about being forced into the New Year. Emotionally, I don’t want to leave 2020. I feel a self-imposed duty to count every hour, day, month, and year without my Lilly....

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